Dear Editor,
Over the past two years, I have posted sign messages on our church sign. I have a few original messages I wanted to present to you for fillers in any future issues of your magazine:
“If you settle for the status quo then you have no place to grow.”
“Haunted by your past? God isn’t scared.”
“If God is your co-pilot then you have control issues.”
“Satan’s bait is in thinking you’ll never get caught.”
“The Bible is God’s Positioning System”
I hope these can be useful to you and can share with your readers as short inspirational bursts of encouragement.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Dear ministry Part 2
Please intercede and pray FERVENTLY and daily the following prayer request for the SALVATION of the person mentioned. Please intercede and pray “AGONIZINGLY” For the SALVATION, true-blue conversion to CHRIST, and total DELIVERANCES (from ALL MANNER of SATANIC/DEMONIC/EVIL/WICKED/SINFUL BONDAGES!) of __________!!!
SALVATION
Prayer: Father, I ask the Lord of the harvest to thrust the laborer into his path, a laborer To share Your Gospel in a special way so that he/she will listen and understand It. As Your laborer ministers to him, I believe that he will come to his senses…Come out of the snare of the devil who has held him captive and make Jesus the Lord of his life.
Your Word says that You will deliver those for whom we intercede, who are not Innocent, through the cleanness of our hands. I’m standing on You Word, and From this moment on, Father, I shall praise You and thank You for his salvation. I have committed this matter into You Hands and with my faith I see __________ saved, filled with Your Holy Spirit, with a full and clear knowledge of Your Word Amen – so be it!
SALVATION
Prayer: Father, I ask the Lord of the harvest to thrust the laborer into his path, a laborer To share Your Gospel in a special way so that he/she will listen and understand It. As Your laborer ministers to him, I believe that he will come to his senses…Come out of the snare of the devil who has held him captive and make Jesus the Lord of his life.
Your Word says that You will deliver those for whom we intercede, who are not Innocent, through the cleanness of our hands. I’m standing on You Word, and From this moment on, Father, I shall praise You and thank You for his salvation. I have committed this matter into You Hands and with my faith I see __________ saved, filled with Your Holy Spirit, with a full and clear knowledge of Your Word Amen – so be it!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Some Jokes
Where do you want to go when you put a Chicken in a Car? Chic-car-go
Don Rickels to a Doorman opening his taxi door at the Americana Hotel: “You’re looking very well, since your last Hystorectomy.”
Why did the Football Coach go into the Bank? To get his Quarter Back.
Why did the Cookie got to he ER? Because it was feeling Crummy.
Why did the Computer go to the ER? ‘Cause it caught a Virus. Or the Mother who went to the ER saying: ‘Doctor, Doctor, my Child Swollowed a whole roll of Exposed Film. And the Internist said: ‘Don’t Panic, Mother. Let’s wait and see what Develop es. Or the Diabetic have his leg amputated. But they took off the wrong leg. Discovereing their mistake He was rushed back to the OR and the other leg taken off. But he couldn’t sue them. Because he didn’t have a leg to stand on. When someone goes to the Dentist, I always say: “I hope you don’t have a boreing time at the Dentist’s. What’s the name of the new Medicaid Dentist in Town? He’s Dr. Phil McKavity. Or the Woman who gave birth to a Child w/no arms, legs, or body; just a head. “don’t worry,” the Doctors said, “by the time he’s 12 we’ll have him playing Stickball w/ the other Kids’. Sure enough he’s out there when a drunken drive kills him. That night at the wake his Mom looks down in the casket and murmers: “Sonny, you should’ev quite while you are A-Head.”
Hands are nice, You have them twice.
A Priest seeing visions of Jesus asked Him: “Which of my sins has most offended You? Jesus assured him: because he was sorry and reformed his life they were no more Remembered by Him.
When is a Dog’s Tail, not a Dog’s Tail? When ifs A-Wagg-in
Why did they take all the Trees out from around the White House? To make room for the Big Bush. Why does Billy Clinton wear Jockey Shorts? To keep his ankels warm. Or what’s his favorite musical instruement? The Harm-Monika and his daughter.
You can’t make a silk purse out of a sows ears, but you can make one out of Mulberry Leaves. Or what do you get when you cross a Jerry Buttafuco with a Harvard degree? Maybe a Ted Kennedy?
Did you hear about the Accountant who was such an Amateur He abscounded with Accounts Payable instead of Accounts Receivable?
What the difference between: Israel and an Israelite? Israel means to rule and contend with God like Jacob. While an Israelite is a Person with less calories in the process.
Or what did the Ancient Serian Greeks try to do after dark? They tried to turn down the Israelits. A famous Jewish Put Down: “May a TrollyCar grow in your Pimpic. (belly button)
What’s the definition of Irish Diplomacy? When you tell some one to go to Hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip, that’s Irish Diplomacy.
A man told me he was an Only Child. So only, he said that his Imaginary Friend and Pet Rock would only play with the kids across the Street.
And from a little boy in Mt. Vernon: “Mr. how do you catch a Squirel? You climb up a tree and act like a Nut. (you be the Squirrel and I be the Nut, Mr.)
Don Rickels to a Doorman opening his taxi door at the Americana Hotel: “You’re looking very well, since your last Hystorectomy.”
Why did the Football Coach go into the Bank? To get his Quarter Back.
Why did the Cookie got to he ER? Because it was feeling Crummy.
Why did the Computer go to the ER? ‘Cause it caught a Virus. Or the Mother who went to the ER saying: ‘Doctor, Doctor, my Child Swollowed a whole roll of Exposed Film. And the Internist said: ‘Don’t Panic, Mother. Let’s wait and see what Develop es. Or the Diabetic have his leg amputated. But they took off the wrong leg. Discovereing their mistake He was rushed back to the OR and the other leg taken off. But he couldn’t sue them. Because he didn’t have a leg to stand on. When someone goes to the Dentist, I always say: “I hope you don’t have a boreing time at the Dentist’s. What’s the name of the new Medicaid Dentist in Town? He’s Dr. Phil McKavity. Or the Woman who gave birth to a Child w/no arms, legs, or body; just a head. “don’t worry,” the Doctors said, “by the time he’s 12 we’ll have him playing Stickball w/ the other Kids’. Sure enough he’s out there when a drunken drive kills him. That night at the wake his Mom looks down in the casket and murmers: “Sonny, you should’ev quite while you are A-Head.”
Hands are nice, You have them twice.
A Priest seeing visions of Jesus asked Him: “Which of my sins has most offended You? Jesus assured him: because he was sorry and reformed his life they were no more Remembered by Him.
When is a Dog’s Tail, not a Dog’s Tail? When ifs A-Wagg-in
Why did they take all the Trees out from around the White House? To make room for the Big Bush. Why does Billy Clinton wear Jockey Shorts? To keep his ankels warm. Or what’s his favorite musical instruement? The Harm-Monika and his daughter.
You can’t make a silk purse out of a sows ears, but you can make one out of Mulberry Leaves. Or what do you get when you cross a Jerry Buttafuco with a Harvard degree? Maybe a Ted Kennedy?
Did you hear about the Accountant who was such an Amateur He abscounded with Accounts Payable instead of Accounts Receivable?
What the difference between: Israel and an Israelite? Israel means to rule and contend with God like Jacob. While an Israelite is a Person with less calories in the process.
Or what did the Ancient Serian Greeks try to do after dark? They tried to turn down the Israelits. A famous Jewish Put Down: “May a TrollyCar grow in your Pimpic. (belly button)
What’s the definition of Irish Diplomacy? When you tell some one to go to Hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip, that’s Irish Diplomacy.
A man told me he was an Only Child. So only, he said that his Imaginary Friend and Pet Rock would only play with the kids across the Street.
And from a little boy in Mt. Vernon: “Mr. how do you catch a Squirel? You climb up a tree and act like a Nut. (you be the Squirrel and I be the Nut, Mr.)
Monday, March 16, 2009
Some Historical Findings
Israeli Scientist Discovers Global Economic Crisis Encoded in the Old Testament
Israeli researcher ____________ has found more than a dozen encoded Hebrew sentences in the Old Testament that include causes of the crisis, affirm its global extent, and mention a number of its effects.
“Such a high rate of discovery would not be possible unless the text had been encoded,” _________noted. “While one can occasionally find an extension to a ‘code’ from any Hebrew text, this does not happen often, and when it does, frequently the content is utterly mysterious or sheer nonsense.”
In each code, the Hebrew letters are equally spaced within the literal text. For example, suppose that “credit crises” appeared in Job, picking up every tenth letter from the text. _________ then looked at the string of letters one would obtain by picking up every tenth letter before and after the original search term.
The content of the extended codes includes more than a dozen causes of the crisis. For example, one reads, “A credit crisis of my houses that will be numerous.” Another reads, “Destruction befits the financial market,” implying that current problems are due to excessive greed and inappropriate practices. Further, some codes affirm its global extent and detail its pain (“My plague is the interest rate.”) and dismay (“Where is the dream of the financial market?”).
Israeli researcher ____________ has found more than a dozen encoded Hebrew sentences in the Old Testament that include causes of the crisis, affirm its global extent, and mention a number of its effects.
“Such a high rate of discovery would not be possible unless the text had been encoded,” _________noted. “While one can occasionally find an extension to a ‘code’ from any Hebrew text, this does not happen often, and when it does, frequently the content is utterly mysterious or sheer nonsense.”
In each code, the Hebrew letters are equally spaced within the literal text. For example, suppose that “credit crises” appeared in Job, picking up every tenth letter from the text. _________ then looked at the string of letters one would obtain by picking up every tenth letter before and after the original search term.
The content of the extended codes includes more than a dozen causes of the crisis. For example, one reads, “A credit crisis of my houses that will be numerous.” Another reads, “Destruction befits the financial market,” implying that current problems are due to excessive greed and inappropriate practices. Further, some codes affirm its global extent and detail its pain (“My plague is the interest rate.”) and dismay (“Where is the dream of the financial market?”).
Some Scientific Findings
Man’s “issue (ejaculation) contains “seed” (or, in our language, “sperms”), Leviticus 15:32), 1490 B.C., as does the woman, whose “egg” or “ovum: is also described as “her seed” (genesis 3:15), 4000 B.C., which and “in sorrow (labor) thou shalt bring forth children” (Genesis 4:16), which Antonie van Leewenhoek (1632-1723), discovered, as second hand information, under the scrutiny of the microscope that led to our correct understanding of the role of both the male sperm and the female egg in human reproduction.
As for the movements of the heavens (including the Earth, Sun, Moon), God has left it for man to determine their prices movements in space: “and God LET (allow or permit) them to be for signs (eclipses, phases, etc.), and for (determining) season, and for (measuring) days, and (calculating) years” (Genesis 1:14), 4000 B.c.
Manned space flights are not inconsistent with Holy Writ. Moses, some 3450 years ago, spoke about space travel, as found in Deuteronomy 34:4: “If any of thine be driven out to the uttermost of heave, from thence will the Lord thy God gather thee, and from then will be fetch thee.” (UFO abductions, if true, may be implied here also!) SIDE NOTE: words imply force, as in abduction! or may refer to space “driven” spacecrafts, lost in space, which will be brought back.
the orginal story is NOW being denied, but so did WITNESSES who SAW THE GOLD PLATES of The Book of Mormon, contrary to their original Testimony! PEOPLE WILL OFTEN BOW UNDER PRESSURE OR BRIBERY!
The curvature of space is alluded to by the Psalmist, who spoke of God that “bowed (bent!) the heavens” (Psalm 18:9), VIA GLOBULAR POWER, evident in the globular sun, earth, moon, and stars; not to mention rain drops, bubbles; and the circular orbits of planets, electrons, and even ripples of water (created by falling rain drops)! 1050 B.C. [My Hula Hoop Model proves circular orbits can appear elliptical]
As for the movements of the heavens (including the Earth, Sun, Moon), God has left it for man to determine their prices movements in space: “and God LET (allow or permit) them to be for signs (eclipses, phases, etc.), and for (determining) season, and for (measuring) days, and (calculating) years” (Genesis 1:14), 4000 B.c.
Manned space flights are not inconsistent with Holy Writ. Moses, some 3450 years ago, spoke about space travel, as found in Deuteronomy 34:4: “If any of thine be driven out to the uttermost of heave, from thence will the Lord thy God gather thee, and from then will be fetch thee.” (UFO abductions, if true, may be implied here also!) SIDE NOTE: words imply force, as in abduction! or may refer to space “driven” spacecrafts, lost in space, which will be brought back.
the orginal story is NOW being denied, but so did WITNESSES who SAW THE GOLD PLATES of The Book of Mormon, contrary to their original Testimony! PEOPLE WILL OFTEN BOW UNDER PRESSURE OR BRIBERY!
The curvature of space is alluded to by the Psalmist, who spoke of God that “bowed (bent!) the heavens” (Psalm 18:9), VIA GLOBULAR POWER, evident in the globular sun, earth, moon, and stars; not to mention rain drops, bubbles; and the circular orbits of planets, electrons, and even ripples of water (created by falling rain drops)! 1050 B.C. [My Hula Hoop Model proves circular orbits can appear elliptical]
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I guess I am fed up
I guess I am fed up with the “shallowness” of my neighbors…and Administrator ____ and their need to make in roads with the Adminitrator here…a woman who I THOUGHT was a good Christian. MANY MOONS AGO.
We both need prayer…one that I do not become fearful or sick over her need to boss me around. LIKE A TEN YEAR OLD
It is called “control” and she has become…I think…”a control freak”…
AND SHE LIKES “SNITCHES”
HER GREATEST FAULT IS IN NOT TREATING US LIKE “ADULTS”…
SHE LOVES THE POWER THIS JOB AFFORDS HER. SHE IS THE ADMINISTRATOR OF A HUD FACILITY (WHICH INCLUDES OVER 100 PEOPLE)…SOME POOR AND OTHERS SICK VERY SICK.
PRAY FOR US PLEASE. AND MY BRANDNEW GREAT GRANDSON _____ WHOM I HAVE YET TO SEE.
IN CHRIST
JO
(JOE IS MALE OF JOSEPH)
PRAY I DO NOT LOSE MY SENSE OF HUMOUR…WHICH THEY ARE OFFENDED B…PRAY FOR ________ WHO JUST IGNORES ME AND _________ WHO CAUGHT THE FLUE AFTER TAKING THE SHOTS…HERE. (PRAY FOR _______ WHO WAS FORCED INTO A CARE HOME BY HER GRAND DAUGHTER.)
PEOPLE DISAPPEAR HERE INTO “CARE” HOMES…
OR THEY MOVE TO A WIDOWED DAUGHTERS HOME
OR THEY DIE.
death seems the easy way out.
I MUST LEARN TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS SADNESS AND APATHY………one walks arond like a zombie…
she is on doctor prescribed drugs.
He is also my doctor by the way.
We both need prayer…one that I do not become fearful or sick over her need to boss me around. LIKE A TEN YEAR OLD
It is called “control” and she has become…I think…”a control freak”…
AND SHE LIKES “SNITCHES”
HER GREATEST FAULT IS IN NOT TREATING US LIKE “ADULTS”…
SHE LOVES THE POWER THIS JOB AFFORDS HER. SHE IS THE ADMINISTRATOR OF A HUD FACILITY (WHICH INCLUDES OVER 100 PEOPLE)…SOME POOR AND OTHERS SICK VERY SICK.
PRAY FOR US PLEASE. AND MY BRANDNEW GREAT GRANDSON _____ WHOM I HAVE YET TO SEE.
IN CHRIST
JO
(JOE IS MALE OF JOSEPH)
PRAY I DO NOT LOSE MY SENSE OF HUMOUR…WHICH THEY ARE OFFENDED B…PRAY FOR ________ WHO JUST IGNORES ME AND _________ WHO CAUGHT THE FLUE AFTER TAKING THE SHOTS…HERE. (PRAY FOR _______ WHO WAS FORCED INTO A CARE HOME BY HER GRAND DAUGHTER.)
PEOPLE DISAPPEAR HERE INTO “CARE” HOMES…
OR THEY MOVE TO A WIDOWED DAUGHTERS HOME
OR THEY DIE.
death seems the easy way out.
I MUST LEARN TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS SADNESS AND APATHY………one walks arond like a zombie…
she is on doctor prescribed drugs.
He is also my doctor by the way.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Windshield Warrior: The Cover Letter
Dear _____________ Employee,
Please, if you have a few moments, take a few moments and read this letter, before deciding whether you should take more than a few moments and work through the first chapter of my book, ________.
Over twenty years ago, my lovely, beautiful, Christian wife, ______, divorced me. She divorced me for what could only be called good cause by you, by every decent Christian who understandably believes in biblical grounds for divorce and remarriage. The fact that I truly believed in Jesus Christ as who, quite simply, He claimed to be would have been beyond dispute to anyone who knew me, or ______, for I did, even though I had fallen into the midst of the sludge, the slime and the ugliness of great depravity. One night, after resigning from my job after being accused of something I actually wasn’t guilty of, bowing down to my knees to pray one last time, before I killed myself, the Lord, in a very audible voice, spoke to me and said, quite simply, “If you do this thing, you will go to hell.” He spoke to me on a few other occasions during that time, a time in which Christians of all suits told me various things regarding my marriage, e.g., that ______ had to forgive me, because forgiveness was not a choice for a Christian; that I had, in fact, broken the one flesh covenant, and I should with _______ well; that marriage was holy in a away I couldn’t understand; that I should just move on, given this new lease on life I’d been given, etcetera. My sister, a bright Christian who’d graduated from Stanford, even bought me a Christian book on the subject of divorce and remarriage. During this time I memorized the two great commandments God gives mankind, and everything was love. Yet, on one occasion, after a fairly heart-wrenching interaction with ______, who was now dating the upstanding Christian man she would eventually marry, I kneeled outside of the house I lived in, in the backyard. With one fist raised in the air, I raised my voice to heaven, crying, “All I want to know is the truth; all I want to know is the truth!”
Some time after my interaction with _____ and my subsequent cry to the Lord, He led me outside again, to the same spot in the backyard, where He made a promise to me, saying, “Put away the books; depend solely on Me, My Word, and My Sprit, and I shall guide you into the truth.” [Title of book] integrates all of pertinent Scripture on the critical subject of marriage, the foundation of the life and well-being of mankind on earth, specifically providing a clean resolution to the Luke 16:18/Matthew 19:9 Scriptural puzzle without fudging over the clear meaning of a Greek word, without butchering the grammar, without dismissing the all-encompassing nature of the unconditional assertion Christ makes in Luke 16:18 for the first time in history. Importantly, it does so with a clarity that Christians all over the world will understand and embrace.
On October 27, 2008, after I’d dropped off the Preface, and Chapters 3 and 4 to him, your employer, the publisher, __________, wrote me a letter regarding Chapter 4 wherein he wrote, “While it addresses significant issues for our times, our business model allows only a select number on new products each year, each with a very specific messasge and each focused on a very specific audience.” If my book does what I claim that it does, what member of any audience _________ has in mind will not be compelled to purchase this book before purchasing any other book he intends to publish, distribute and market this year? Can you think of one, when you consider, also, all of the pain, heartache, alienation and, of course, the evisceration of the faith of young children that divorce and remarriage has caused within the body of Christ? Indeed, if my book accomplishes what I claim that it does, do you believe the cumulative value of every book ________ publishes this year and in years to come will compare to [title]?
Now, the beauty of my claim to you, my friend in Christ, is that I’m either crazy as a loon better suited on a loony tune cartoon, or I’m telling you the truth, since, of course, I having nothing to gain by lying to you. Evidence upon which one might make a sound determination of which of those two options is true begins with what’s inside the manila envelop on your windshield in Chapter 1, a chapter that, ironically, has both nothing and everything to do with the subject at hand.
Sincerely,
a gentleman who insists on leaving several copies of the same manuscript on the windshields of a random selection of the cars in our parking lot, about once a month. Because the note includes no contact information whatsoever, we are powerless to save any trees killed in the continuance of our regular “correspondence”. As the manuscript is almost as entertaining as the cover letter, I will chunk it and include it in future posts. We will call him our “Windshield Warrior”.
Please, if you have a few moments, take a few moments and read this letter, before deciding whether you should take more than a few moments and work through the first chapter of my book, ________.
Over twenty years ago, my lovely, beautiful, Christian wife, ______, divorced me. She divorced me for what could only be called good cause by you, by every decent Christian who understandably believes in biblical grounds for divorce and remarriage. The fact that I truly believed in Jesus Christ as who, quite simply, He claimed to be would have been beyond dispute to anyone who knew me, or ______, for I did, even though I had fallen into the midst of the sludge, the slime and the ugliness of great depravity. One night, after resigning from my job after being accused of something I actually wasn’t guilty of, bowing down to my knees to pray one last time, before I killed myself, the Lord, in a very audible voice, spoke to me and said, quite simply, “If you do this thing, you will go to hell.” He spoke to me on a few other occasions during that time, a time in which Christians of all suits told me various things regarding my marriage, e.g., that ______ had to forgive me, because forgiveness was not a choice for a Christian; that I had, in fact, broken the one flesh covenant, and I should with _______ well; that marriage was holy in a away I couldn’t understand; that I should just move on, given this new lease on life I’d been given, etcetera. My sister, a bright Christian who’d graduated from Stanford, even bought me a Christian book on the subject of divorce and remarriage. During this time I memorized the two great commandments God gives mankind, and everything was love. Yet, on one occasion, after a fairly heart-wrenching interaction with ______, who was now dating the upstanding Christian man she would eventually marry, I kneeled outside of the house I lived in, in the backyard. With one fist raised in the air, I raised my voice to heaven, crying, “All I want to know is the truth; all I want to know is the truth!”
Some time after my interaction with _____ and my subsequent cry to the Lord, He led me outside again, to the same spot in the backyard, where He made a promise to me, saying, “Put away the books; depend solely on Me, My Word, and My Sprit, and I shall guide you into the truth.” [Title of book] integrates all of pertinent Scripture on the critical subject of marriage, the foundation of the life and well-being of mankind on earth, specifically providing a clean resolution to the Luke 16:18/Matthew 19:9 Scriptural puzzle without fudging over the clear meaning of a Greek word, without butchering the grammar, without dismissing the all-encompassing nature of the unconditional assertion Christ makes in Luke 16:18 for the first time in history. Importantly, it does so with a clarity that Christians all over the world will understand and embrace.
On October 27, 2008, after I’d dropped off the Preface, and Chapters 3 and 4 to him, your employer, the publisher, __________, wrote me a letter regarding Chapter 4 wherein he wrote, “While it addresses significant issues for our times, our business model allows only a select number on new products each year, each with a very specific messasge and each focused on a very specific audience.” If my book does what I claim that it does, what member of any audience _________ has in mind will not be compelled to purchase this book before purchasing any other book he intends to publish, distribute and market this year? Can you think of one, when you consider, also, all of the pain, heartache, alienation and, of course, the evisceration of the faith of young children that divorce and remarriage has caused within the body of Christ? Indeed, if my book accomplishes what I claim that it does, do you believe the cumulative value of every book ________ publishes this year and in years to come will compare to [title]?
Now, the beauty of my claim to you, my friend in Christ, is that I’m either crazy as a loon better suited on a loony tune cartoon, or I’m telling you the truth, since, of course, I having nothing to gain by lying to you. Evidence upon which one might make a sound determination of which of those two options is true begins with what’s inside the manila envelop on your windshield in Chapter 1, a chapter that, ironically, has both nothing and everything to do with the subject at hand.
Sincerely,
a gentleman who insists on leaving several copies of the same manuscript on the windshields of a random selection of the cars in our parking lot, about once a month. Because the note includes no contact information whatsoever, we are powerless to save any trees killed in the continuance of our regular “correspondence”. As the manuscript is almost as entertaining as the cover letter, I will chunk it and include it in future posts. We will call him our “Windshield Warrior”.
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