Some Jokes

Where do you want to go when you put a Chicken in a Car? Chic-car-go

Don Rickels to a Doorman opening his taxi door at the Americana Hotel: “You’re looking very well, since your last Hystorectomy.”

Why did the Football Coach go into the Bank? To get his Quarter Back.

Why did the Cookie got to he ER? Because it was feeling Crummy.

Why did the Computer go to the ER? ‘Cause it caught a Virus. Or the Mother who went to the ER saying: ‘Doctor, Doctor, my Child Swollowed a whole roll of Exposed Film. And the Internist said: ‘Don’t Panic, Mother. Let’s wait and see what Develop es. Or the Diabetic have his leg amputated. But they took off the wrong leg. Discovereing their mistake He was rushed back to the OR and the other leg taken off. But he couldn’t sue them. Because he didn’t have a leg to stand on. When someone goes to the Dentist, I always say: “I hope you don’t have a boreing time at the Dentist’s. What’s the name of the new Medicaid Dentist in Town? He’s Dr. Phil McKavity. Or the Woman who gave birth to a Child w/no arms, legs, or body; just a head. “don’t worry,” the Doctors said, “by the time he’s 12 we’ll have him playing Stickball w/ the other Kids’. Sure enough he’s out there when a drunken drive kills him. That night at the wake his Mom looks down in the casket and murmers: “Sonny, you should’ev quite while you are A-Head.”

Hands are nice, You have them twice.

A Priest seeing visions of Jesus asked Him: “Which of my sins has most offended You? Jesus assured him: because he was sorry and reformed his life they were no more Remembered by Him.

When is a Dog’s Tail, not a Dog’s Tail? When ifs A-Wagg-in

Why did they take all the Trees out from around the White House? To make room for the Big Bush. Why does Billy Clinton wear Jockey Shorts? To keep his ankels warm. Or what’s his favorite musical instruement? The Harm-Monika and his daughter.

You can’t make a silk purse out of a sows ears, but you can make one out of Mulberry Leaves. Or what do you get when you cross a Jerry Buttafuco with a Harvard degree? Maybe a Ted Kennedy?

Did you hear about the Accountant who was such an Amateur He abscounded with Accounts Payable instead of Accounts Receivable?

What the difference between: Israel and an Israelite? Israel means to rule and contend with God like Jacob. While an Israelite is a Person with less calories in the process.

Or what did the Ancient Serian Greeks try to do after dark? They tried to turn down the Israelits. A famous Jewish Put Down: “May a TrollyCar grow in your Pimpic. (belly button)

What’s the definition of Irish Diplomacy? When you tell some one to go to Hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip, that’s Irish Diplomacy.

A man told me he was an Only Child. So only, he said that his Imaginary Friend and Pet Rock would only play with the kids across the Street.

And from a little boy in Mt. Vernon: “Mr. how do you catch a Squirel? You climb up a tree and act like a Nut. (you be the Squirrel and I be the Nut, Mr.)